Horribly Wonderful

It seemed to be around 8 centimeters dilated, that the cries I was hearing didn't seem like my own. With each contraction I lost myself in the pain and wondered how anything could feel so awful and amazing. Jon held my hand and kept me going. When the pain would climb his words and voice gave me strength. and when each contraction came down, he'd wipe my tears and say, "I love you, You can do this."

With my previous deliveries, I got the epidural early. It was never the pain of the contractions that made me turn to the medicine. It was the fear of what was to come. After my boys were born, I always felt like maybe I had missed out on an experience of a lifetime. To feel your baby be born. to push. to scream. to hear that cry and at the same time feel the relief and joy that is childbirth. My Mom did it, and her mother and generations before and I wanted to feel that...but I was afraid. Fear got the better of me and I got an epidural when I was dilated to a 7+, but for some unknown reason, it didnt work. Everything felt the same. Why could I still feel it? The Doctor came back and gave me some Lidocaine. I had 15 minutes of bearable contractions but it always faded off and the heavy hitters came back. There was even a moment when the nurses had laid me back too far and gravity pulled the medicine to my upper half. I felt the tingles in my hands and chest and even face [that was really scary]. I was so confused. Why wasnt it working? Why would it go up but not down? When I was at a 9, the option was given, should we try again. Should we put in another epidural?

I still had another centimeter to dilate and then I could push. But we didnt know how long that would take. I decided to try again with more medicine. When they took out the epidural, I felt everything. I had to just concentrate on Jon. I put my forehead up against his and repeated "We are having a baby, we are having a baby". with each breath. A minute passed and I knew I wouldnt have time to have another Epidural. Baby was coming and the contractions were so intense. I told everyone, I NEED TO PUSH. I swung my legs back up and Dr. O was there and said, Next Contraction, you can push, lets get her here.
First Push was crazy. I could feel her crown. My body knew what to do. Second Push. Her Head was out. You can do this. Third Push. She was out. I heard her cry. I felt no pain. just an overwhelming sense of relief and joy. It was over. It had been Horrible, and It had been Wonderful.

I am so grateful to have had this experience. I would have never chosen it. It had to be an accident. Baby Gwen was so small and that was also such a blessing. I can only imagine how difficult it would be to push for hours for a big baby. but Im sure the elation and happiness would only be multiplied. I felt so connected to everything and everyone. to my Jonno for coaching me through, to my body and what it was made to do, and most of all to my baby girl. She was worth every minute and tear. I have never felt stronger as a woman and mother as I did in those moments and I hope I will be able to look back on this experience and know that I can do hard things. I can't control everything. I can't predict what is going to happen in my life. But I know my Heavenly Father knows me and knows what I need. and I needed April 6th. 2012 to be just what it was. Horribly wonderful.


*Where did the medicine go?
This is my theory.
With my boys I had the worst sciatic pain during delivery. With Gwen I had none. I think the epidural stayed in my back and my butt. So yes, I did have some relief. When the Dr. took it out of my back before I delivered, everything that was given had worn off completely. I could feel my catheter. and I could feel and move my legs. As soon as We got to the other room I was able to have the catheter taken out and get up. Yes, I did get the medicine. yes, some may say I didnt actually feel 'ALL NATURAL' but Jon and I know what we went through. it was the real deal. My back has been swollen the past few days. I dont remember that with the boys. This time my epidural was crummy. I knew something like this had to happen. With my boys, the labor and delivery were perfect. I was in for it...